Home.  What does that word mean to you? How does it make you feel?

If it brings up a sense of refuge, safety and peace, that is home at its most ideal.  However, for most of us these days, we are connected and contactable 24/7 by the outside world. It’s easy for our time with our family to be impacted by the constant voices from the television, or for current events to flood in on our previously quiet day.

We all need a place to feel safe, none more so than children. They need to have somewhere to grow and be protected, without the fear of what the news might report, for example, or for school bullying to carry on without escape at home, via social media.

Even when children are a bit older and exploring burgeoning independence, it’s valuable to them to have a place to come back to and caregivers who they can count on to “be there” - not just physically but mentally and emotionally, too. 

Having a sanctuary enables your children to recover and recharge from the onslaught of figuring out the outside world, and should be a place where they experiment and try new things while they grow and work out who they really are, without constant criticism or misunderstanding. 

How can home be a place of nurture and sanctuary?

Realise that stress exists, that it is harmful to the whole family, and making home a source of stress will not only hurt family relationships, it can also make you ill. It might be beneficial to cut some things from the schedule. Take time to just be with each other without having to answer to other demands, so that home is a place of low-pressure without a need to perform all the time. Of course, every person has to contribute to the running of the house and to certain responsibilities, but everyone needs to have time to just do nothing.  Don’t sign up to too much, and don’t let your kids over-commit to things either. Don’t push them to do more - let them identify their own limit and don’t pin your own vicarious hopes and dreams on your children. 

While it’s not beneficial to overload children with responsibilities and commitments, they do also need some structure in their day-to day. They already feel like they have very little control over what happens, and springing last minute changes of mind or plan will always meet resistance.

Encourage everyone in your home to make it a place of peace.  Center family interactions around respect and a framework of non-violence, either in action or speech. 

Parents often wonder why their child can be given a good report for behavior and effort outside of the home, for it all to fall apart as soon as they are in your presence. Well, all day they have tried hard to put their best foot forward, to hold it all together no matter what.  When they step into the door of their home, the facade falls away.  It can be tempting to push back on this, but imaging how you would feel after a long, hard day at work if another adult told you to “suck it up” and grow up?

This behavior is to be expected. They are still children and after hours of trying to live up to adult demands, the child still desperately needs to open the door to childishness again, and to not be told off for it. They need us to ‘hold space’ for them so they can safely release that pressure..

If you feel like you are losing your children to technology, and are critical of how much time they spend online - have a good look at your own tech usage. Plan a no-tech day. For EVERYONE. If that makes you break into a cold sweat, it’s a sure-fire sign that you also need a digital detox!

This might sound strange, but have you thought about what sounds are coming into your home? Are they disturbing or comforting? Can you actually change the soundtrack? If there is a lot of traffic/industrial noise, this can actually have a negative impact on health. Having some pleasant ambient sounds/music in your home can change things. Also, consider if you have the likes of news reports or talk radio etc. on permanent play in your house. Your children are listening. They are hearing potentially distressing things in ways that aren’t age-appropriate and perhaps without the facility and ability to process them in a safe way. They will also see how you react to what you hear - if it is something that raises your blood pressure, they will also adopt that anxiety too. 

Mostly, your children need to feel that they are surrounded by people who care and who are nurturing, regardless of the ‘things’ we think they need or want. That is really home.