Race. It’s a big deal, yet we find it hard to talk about - even more so with our children. Few of us would call ourselves racist, or attach that label to our kids. We feel that acting in overtly damaging and hurtful ways fly in the face of how we want to raise our families. However - even if we don’t believe we are intentionally racist, we all can make judgement and opinion calls based on color, culture and perception.  Despite our best intentions, our opinions on race can and will make us respond with prejudice.  It is often deeply engrained to consider people of various skin tones as having varying values.  Thinking about these roots of prejudice are massively confrontational. 

We can equally try to obscure our own roots in order to fit in, or in an attempt to be ‘socially mobile’. Minimising who you are to make other people comfortable.  Of course, we want to be known by our skills, character and what goals we have attained. Systemic racism has left many people in a Catch-22 situation - wanting to express their culture fully, yet feeling the need to deny it in the face of accusations such as ‘privilege’, ‘positive discrimination’ and ‘stereotypical behavior’.

Looking at how we parent - some cross-Atlantic research has discovered that parents from non-immigrant backgrounds only discuss race whenever there is a race-related incident, either personally or in the media - it is not an ongoing conversation, rather a reaction that has a cut-off point. 

We can fear that our words are insufficient or incorrect, and this can also make us shy away from talking about it. Some of us might feel that children don’t have biases at all so there is no point talking about it (even though this is quantifiably incorrect).

Parents can believe that there is no bias present in their child because the child has not mentioned it.  However there are many concepts and questions that our kids need to process, but might feel that there is no safe place to raise their point in case of misunderstanding or perceived punishment, or indeed may not feel that they have the vocabulary to explain it. 

As a parent, we have a responsibility to prepare our children for intolerant behavior; their own, the actions of their peer group, adults, and those biases that exist institutionally and systemically. Instead of raising kids who respond in an anti-racist way (which is a positive, but only deals with part of the issue), we need to instill them with appreciation for others and a sense of responsibility for their own individual beliefs and how they play out. 

As a parent, you know your own child, and what they are capable of taking on board. It is also good to know that we have a tendency to shield our children from the hard stuff; we worry that they are too young and want to keep them ‘innocent’. We don’t want them to know that even though the world can be exciting, wonderful and beautiful, that there is some darkness as well. Remember, though, that we should be our child’s safe place - even when talking about the hard things in an age appropriate way - and they can and will surprise you with their depth of thought.  

Kids are smart, and they are always watching us. Parenting is deeply political, whether we talk about ‘Politics’ or not. We can panic and throw books and videos at our children in a furious attempt to ‘educate’, overwhelming them in the process. 

None of it will really stick unless we also model certain behaviors and examine our own deep-set biases.