In life, we are often on the receiving end of difficult conversations, or we have had to be the bringer of hard news. Unfortunately, experience doesn’t make it any easier, and no more so than when we need to have that difficult conversation with a child. 

We might have to break some bad news or be trying to dig under the surface to find out what is troubling them, or we may need to raise difficult issues around consent, drugs, peer pressure etc. 

No matter the area of conversation, or the age of the child, there can be some ways to make the process a bit less fraught and painful, and perhaps even provide an avenue for your relationship to be even closer.

Beginning your conversation will be based on a few things, not least your child’s age and maturity, and the thing you want to talk about. You know your child best, ultimately , but if you are at a complete loss, hopefully this post might give you a jumping-off point.

Find out what they know

You might wish you could shelter your child from the worries of the world, but that’s really not possible past a very young age. You can shield them from the news on tv, radio or in print, but they’ll inevitably hear about things from their peers.

Even if your child hasn’t mentioned a particular topic, you’re still better off raising the subject with them, pro-actively managing what they know and supporting them in how they feel about it.

Fake news

School playgrounds have long been a breeding ground for scary stories and “my mom/dad said....”. Occasionally the child believes this information to be true, and other times they just want to scare their peers. Talk to your child and see what they have heard, and offer a gentle correction towards the facts. 

Older children and teens will be seeing things on social media and websites, not all of which will be accurate. This is a good opportunity to teach or remind them about sticking to reputable news media and not necessarily believing everything they see online.

What is really bothering them

We might feel that our child is being troubled by the same issues in the same way as we are, but this isn’t always the case.  It’s better to ask your child directly what is bothering them, or help put a voice to their fears if they find it difficult to find the words. This isn’t the same as putting your own words and fears into their mouths - be led by them. If their fears are different to you own, please don’t negate or minimise them. No matter how trivial or ‘ridiculous’ we might find them as adults, if it matters to them, we need to give it some weight. 

Be realistic

Your child may worry about the worst case scenario happening. Be honest about the situation, but also offer realistic reassurance if you can. It might be tempting to deflect and minimise, lying that certain things won’t happen (if they will) or being fake in your optimism. Be real in an age-appropriate way, and let them know that no matter what, they will be loved, supported and heard throughout it all. 

Talk about what CAN be done

Invite your child to put together a plan with you. This will lessen their feelings of helplessness.  Instead of just focusing on what can’t happen, highlight where they can be proactive. 

Don’t stop talking

Your situation may be something that is ongoing and changing, and what is concerning your child may also shift and change over time. These necessary conversations aren’t one-off. Check in with them, but handle it with a light touch. Don’t let the situation completely dominate as many children will be craving a sense of normality. 

If you are partnering in parenting with someone else, make sure you are creating a united front - if your child is faced with different (or too much) information and approaches, they are going to be very confused and overwhelmed.  It’s good to also check in with the other parent to make sure you’re handling things as best as you can.

It’s important to think about where and how to talk so children will listen. Consider where and when you're going to start it off. It’s not a great idea to have it when people are tired/hungry and might not be able to focus. Perhaps you could find a neutral place to talk, where there will be less distractions. 

Try to have realistic expectations. It’s not a soap opera where things get tied up in a nice neat bow. Give it time if things don’t go as well as you’d want. If your child might not want to talk about it now, they may be open to in a couple of days.   Have some bites of conversation rather than eating the whole elephant in one go! This gives your child the time to process what you've discussed and stops it turning into a big lecture.

On a personal note, I had a conversation recently with my daughter. I thought it was going well and we were having a meaningful connection. Then she exclaimed “I never thought I’d ever say this, but.....I really want to go and do my math homework.”  

You can’t win ‘em all!

Our kids are important to us. We often want to shield them from the tough stuff, but there comes a point where we can’t. Hiding them away from all difficulty will only become a sticking point when they have to face hard things on their own. If we instead provide positive influences, helpful advice and an all-important listening (non-judgemental) ear, they can grow up to become happy, confident adults.

As a parent, you are their first port of call when they are looking for help. Make it a safe, secure, confident and soft place to land.