Are you one of those types who people turn to in times of challenge? Stoic and seemingly unaffected by the same darts and pressures that others suffer, you sweep in, sort it out and provide a sounding board to everyone. 

You’re considered as someone with broad shoulders in any relationship. “A rock”, so to speak. Mr or Mrs Fix-It. Whether it be friends, partners or children, they know that you will sort it all out. 

Why do people view you in this way? There’s a fair chance that you’ve always fulfilled this role; not only is it your usual practice, you probably actively seek problems to solve on the behalf of others. So, what drives you to problem-solve? Is it purely altruism - you are totally led to help with nothing back?  Or if you are honest, are you motivated by something a bit less positive, namely fear, insecurity and lack of self-confidence?

Perhaps there is a niggling feeling that if you aren’t that problem-solving rock, then you really have no value. You get your value from fixing things for others and gain self-esteem from being “that person”.

So what happens if you can’t fix things for others? It’s possible that this unsettling question might lead to deeper examination of who you REALLY are?

Finding solutions to other people’s issues can give us just enough distraction to avoid self-examination. After all, everyone thinks you’re great, so why bother doing the deeper work on yourself?

Despite gaining energy from the thankfulness of others, might there be a limit? Might this stoic wall that you present be at risk of buckling under the weight of Just. One. More. Thing. To. Solve.  

The feeling that you are giving and helping is rewarding, but it is also a thief.

What do I mean by that? Well, by solving issues and taking the weight off the shoulders of others, perhaps you are also taking away their ability to cope, problem-solve, and grow in confidence FOR THEMSELVES. 

Doing everything for others and removing opportunities for them to try to do it themselves is co-dependency, pure and simple. 

So, if you are now aware that changes need to be made, it can be terrifying. Setting healthy boundaries is always necessary, but really hard in practice. Will people feel you are pushing them away? Yes. Despite the need for proper parameters in relationship while maintaining good connections, not everyone will understand or appreciate this.

If you want to grow as a person, you need to step out from the protection of altruism. The hard truth is if the people around you only value you because you solve their  issues and fix their emotional needs, then they aren’t really true friends, and it is not a healthy relationship. 

Making the transition can be unbearable.  It requires so much work on your core beliefs and self value. It will be tough and confronting, but any journey towards being the best and strongest version of yourself always is. 

Does this mean that you stop being the person who answers requests for help? Probably not, but you need to do it on far healthier terms. Boundaries aren’t a perhaps, they are an essential.  

The thing about rocks is they too can be turned to dust when the load is too much. It’s amazing to be in a position to help others - it can be a joy, a privilege and a great opportunity. However, we need to pay attention to the line between helpfulness and altruism based on a pattern of low self-worth.

Perhaps the position of being a rock needs to change to one of a seed instead.

Someone who is resilient and capable, but most importantly has room to grow.