When we are young, one of our deepest desires, whether we are aware of it or not, is to be nurtured by those caregivers in our lives. We need someone to provide for our physical and emotional needs in a loving way. It goes without saying that not everyone grows up with this kind of care, sadly. Even those of us who do can grow up and have a disconnect from that nurturing environment.

As adults we are expected to care for our own needs (which is the normal way of maturity!) and part of that is also losing that childhood means of support. However, even though we are generally trained and taught in several areas, there seems to be a gap when it comes to learning how to find love, support and nurture within ourselves.

We can be our own worst enemies in how we think about and treat ourselves. In ignoring our own needs, we behave negatively and consider ourselves lower than the next person. For some of us, the self-destructive pattern is deeply ingrained, as is negative self-talk.

Our inner voice doesn’t always have to be a negative one; it can also be loving and supportive - if we let it.  If we can encourage and nurture ourselves, we build our self-esteem and are more resilient in tough times, even if we don’t have another person who can offer that support.  

How can we care for ourselves better?

Adopt good routines and habits - self care breaks are vital to get the breath back in your lungs, to take a pause. Did you know that anxiety can cause us to hold our breaths? Seek out ways to stop, breathe, be kind before you re-enter the daily fray once more. 

Be more mindful of the little things that bring pleasure. It doesn’t have to be a big, fancy treat (though those can be nice!), but even something as simple as that first coffee of the morning. Pay attention to the process, enjoy the aroma, the ritual, the taste. Try not to rush, and appreciate that first sip. Care that you are doing something kind for yourself, and gratitude for this simple act will soon flow. 

Use kind words to yourself at all times. Falling into that negative pattern of self-criticism is so easy, and is born out of low self-esteem and also how we’ve been talked to in our formative years. We all give ourselves mental feedback, but consider how you would speak to someone you love - do you celebrate their successes with them, are you proud about their achievements? If they have made a mistake, are you negative and harsh with them? If you are, then that’s a post for another day - but mostly, we want to chose our words and show our love to the people that matter the most. So why do we avoid doing that to our own selves, who we also should love and appreciate? To paraphrase one of my favourite comedians, “put on your own emotional life jackets” before helping others with theirs. 

This is the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness: assertion expresses your thoughts in a way that is clear and how you would like to be heard,  but with the acknowledgement that not everyone will see it the same way (and that’s ok). Aggression insists that only you are correct, and everyone else is wrong, and there is no possibility that you may need to address your beliefs or thinking. Ironically, sometimes the most aggressive people are the most unsure about what they believe, and they try to hide this behind noise and anger.
Lack of assertion works on the premise that you feel you might be wrong or undeserving, while aggression starts from the point of unwillingness to accept that you might be wrong about some things. 

Learn to be assertive in standing up for yourself. You have your rights and beliefs, and part of feeling good about yourself is being able to express those things effectively.

If your childhood was missing sufficient nurture, it can be hard to know how to show yourself appropriate levels of love as an adult. The concept may seem strange or weird to you, or somehow self-indulgent. Like most things, self care is a learnt skill, not something that ‘just happens’; if you feel that you could use some assistance, talk to a therapist or counselor.