We’ve been looking at a several types of destructive communication over the last few weeks, and the damage that can be caused by ‘always trying to score points’,  ‘always trying to be right’ and ‘not communicating at all’ can bring.  Let’s continue our look at another way negative communication can show up within our relationships. 

There is communication, and there is fake communication.
Those times where we feel like we are expressing ourselves to someone else. We say the words, they seem to listen and agree.  Along the path of the conversation, however, if full examination of what just happened was carried out, it would appear that you haven’t been heard at all, they didn’t really listen and there is no understanding. This can be described as pretending to communicate, and both parties are involved in the pretence.

Perhaps the person talking doesn’t really want to communicate. They want to offload, to preach, to lecture and want the other person to pay attention and to change something about how they act or feel. To provide only responses that the speaker seems ‘acceptable’ and ‘the right thing’.  This drives the other person to nod along and seem to agree, but they are only doing this to keep the peace or appease the speaker so they don’t become upset or angry.  
One person asks if the other gets what they are trying to say, and the other answers with a strong yes - but in reality, it’s part of an unspoken game, a ritual that you both carry out. You go through it now and again, but nothing is really resolved.

This pretence can work,  it only for a while. Onlookers may see two people together and think they are a happy couple, who seem to gel and tick along nicely together; this is just part of the show and for appearance sake.  Eventually, the couple falls into the same rut, frustration builds up and there is a need to have another pretend conversation. It stays in the realm of pretend, as neither person really wants to delve deeper and address the roots of any issues - both parties can carry a lot of fear that in doing so, it may unearth lots of hurt, discomfort and be unappealing to the other person.
So - they skirt around honesty, and exist superficially, because to stop pretending is too threatening and confrontational.

The sad thing about this type of communication is that neither party necessarily intend to inflict hurt on each other, but the fear or exposing and being hurt for themselves is very real and very raw. Instead of the relationship being led by integrity, it is led by artifice - in the way a fake plant can pass for a real one on first glance, and doesn’t need watered or tended, plastic communication is the same - it appears to do the job, doesn’t require more work, but doesn’t yield anything in the end. 

Breaking out of this destructive pattern of communication requires both parties to be courageous and take those first steps out of stagnation. 

Part 5 next Friday.