In trying to figure out how to help our child through difficult times with their peers, their teachers or growing up in general, we sometimes forget that we have control over some things, and we cannot control others - even though we may be able to advocate for them.  In our desire to fight their corner, should we go in to fired-up mode, or are there other ways? Do we NEED to always sort things out?

What we can control, however, is our relationship with our children. We have the ability to mold the relationship with our children into what we want it to be. When you show your child care, build connections, and listen to them, the child will have the resilience to face challenges in life whatever school, friends, or any other experience throws at them that they need to overcome.

We forget that we are the most important thing to our children, because parenting seems to be so undervalued by society and lacking in resources or support. We can overlook that actually, we are the ones they leave behind each morning and the one they come home to every night. 

As well as we can, we load our children up with connection at the start of the day to encourage and show them they have value. It is also important to help them ‘unpack’ that emotional school bag at the end of the day, too. To hear their questions, their frustrations, what puzzles or intrigues them; even to listen to their feelings of injustice and their tantrums and raging (as uncomfortable as that may be for us).  If we are able to set loving, calm, clear limits for our children (having defused our our stresses, fear or anger first) when the wheels fall off, we can gain insight into the real reasons and big feelings lying behind their behavior.  We must be able to listen to and recognize those big feelings without trying to fix them. This is challenging, but if we maintain our calm limits and listen, the child who deeply desires to cooperate and be secure with shine through. 

If you're taken aback by the intense feelings and chaotic noise of this discussion, it can seem that they make whatever is happening is all our fault. Whatever we propose is wrong. Take it all in stride, and don’t take offence. The truth is they have been holding on to a lot all day and our unflinching listening will make a difference. It may need to be from outside a slammed door, but do your best.  Avoid trying to comment or fix, just listen, even when it hurts. 

The good news is that we can do this knowing that this process is helping to repair what has been hurt, to gather their personal resources and strengthen them so that they can re-enter the fray of the next day. 

We can forget how to do this, especially when instead of a hello our children launch into talking indignantly about something that has happened in the day – something unfair, or something that caused them trouble. It’s natural to feel pulled towards offering a solution or just shutting down the conversation completely. However, If we hold our peace and our tongues, often our child can download enough about the difficulty and with relief, move on to the next thing. 

There are probably times and specific points in your daily life where you know issues and conflict have potential to arise, when tiredness, hunger or anxiety become more heightened. You can prepare for these in the knowledge that your attentive listening and kind words will be called upon as a parent, rather than your problem-solving abilities.

You are exactly the person they need to talk to about their feelings.