Every December, we are surrounded by a ridiculous amount of pressure and expectation. All the presumption or oftentimes command of being MERRY with its emphasis on perfection and image can make this season a particularly dark one in relationships.

One of the most visited posts here is What to Say When You Can’t Say Anything Right. So, in the spirit of the holiday season, let’s see how this can play out for a stronger relationship come January than one of overwhelm, despair, misunderstanding, and defeat.

We can so often get tripped up by our own desires to feel understood, that our intention of understanding our partner gets clouded by the mess of what we’re trying to say. 

A simple, “what would you like for Christmas?” can quickly escalate into a conflict about finances or feelings of things not seeming equal. 

When we fear there is no right way to say something, it can feel easier to move to not saying anything at all. These silent conflicts can be the most damaging, for progress is shortsighted when information is limited. 

Perhaps you’re on the other end and conclude if nothing can be said right, you may as well say it wrong. “Asking forgiveness is easier than asking permission” as the saying goes. The human nervous system is built in such a way that when we feel threatened or in danger, our ability to process complex information morphs into tunnel vision, and only what is perceived to be the most important  information for survival gets through. When we raise our voices, act in violence, or use threats to try and communicate a need to our partner, we are actually limiting their ability to hear or understand our needs now and in the future because these responses affect trust.

So, what to say when you can’t say anything right during the holidays? 

This time of year is often full of chaos and noise - so limit your distractions for this intentional connecting moment.

1. Invite your partner to the dialogue.
   “I’m feeling a bit misunderstood. I’d like to hear you to understand what is important to you, and I’d like to say what’s important to me here too.”

2. Own your experience.
   Remember the old-school “I statements” you learned in Communication 101? Yeah, that still works. You can own your emotions. You can own what you see/feel/hear. Invite your partner to own their own experience too - even making an assumption is ok, as long as you and your partner can remain flexible that the assumption can be wrong and corrected with gentleness and respect. “It sounds like you’re feeling really lonely. Am I right with that?”

3. Remain curious and flexible to understanding.
   We can so often get stuck in trying to feel understood that we suspend our need to understand our partner.
   My golden rule for dialogue is to ask 50% more questions than statements.
   Ask questions with the intent to help your partner feel understood. And if you feel there are things you’d like to add or have your partner ask you, feel free to coach them. Something like, “I’d really like to have you ask me about my thoughts in this too. When you do that, I feel valued and that you want to know what’s important to me too.”

In this season, when you begin to feel misunderstood, choose to lean in and love well.