PARENTING THURSDAY: Moving On Up

Parenting is typically a rewarding experience and most parents want only the best as their children grow up. However, over-parenting has created a generation that appears anti-independent.

What can parents do to nourish self-confidence?

Give your child age-appropriate responsibilities - Many teachers today see students who often exhibit academic excellence, but lack the life skills to succeed in a changing world. Begin simply and increase adult responsibilities like taking care of oneself, household chores, and homework as the child grows.

Be real with your compliments- It is, however, important to make sure the praise a child receives is earned and genuine. While it is great for a child to get praise the first time they succeed at something, indiscriminate, or excessive praise leaves the child with no yardstick to measure their progress with.  This is why praise for the effort or detail is better than praising the end result in a non-specific way.  

It’s OK to fail - When repeated attempts result in success, don't just praise the achievement, but also all the steps your child took to reach it. When mistakes and failure are a part of the learning process, help them understand that they are not the end of the road.  Words like, “You did a great job staying with it until you got it done! I am proud of you!” are powerful, and much better than the likes of “that’s nice”.

Allow your child to experience disappointment and failure safely - It can be uncomfortable and sad to see your child get left out of a team or be rejected by a friend. However, rushing in to fix everything only make such events more significant. Offer enough support to enable your child to bounce back but also develop emotional resilience by neither turning a common event into a bigger disaster nor ignoring it.  Support and holding space for their feelings and being present as they walk through it is key. 

Let them work it out - Allow your child to solve problems on their own first. If something is still beyond his or her reach, don't take over and do it for them, rather turn it into a learning opportunity by working together as a team.

You'll help your child learn decision-making skills later in life when you let them explore choices they make and allow them to take low-consequence risks. The best way to help develop those skills is to discuss why a choice didn't work out and suggest ways that may work better next time. As well as helping a child set goals, it can also help them delay gratification, for example, "I will have money next week to buy the bigger toy I really want if I do not buy this smaller toy now.”

Children need access to safe and stimulating environments that require a certain amount of independence and provide them with the opportunity to explore independently.

We are complicated beings - Your child needs to know his or her strengths and weaknesses; this will allow him or her to develop an appreciation of others and a sense of self-worth. Being “the champion” is ok in a game, but carrying that mentality through into everything doesn't build social skills in real life.

No-one is an island, and life is fuller with friends to care for and depend on. Building  social skills such as kindness, honest sharing (instead of forced sharing), empathy, helping, and asking for help when needed will lay the foundation for sound relationships throughout the years.

What if your child avoids consequences? Is he or she always looking to others? Is he or she prone to blaming others when things go wrong? If you are tempted to ignore or pander to it, consider what its impact could be on their adult lives.

A child with a level of autonomy and free time can explore interests, develop skills, work independently, and be happier as a whole. Don’t over-schedule.  A self-directed child is more content than one who constantly seeks approval and instruction from an adult.

Check yourself (before you wreck yourself) - Consider why you feel the desire to step in on behalf of your child. Is it for your child's benefit, or are you trying to conform to parenting trends you don't REALLY support? Are you trying to get approval of other parents, if you are truly honest with yourself?

Does your son or daughter really want to do that play, take part in that sport, study that subject, or are you ‘encouraging’ them to fulfil your own childhood aspirations or unmet needs? 

If you need support, think about getting a counsellor or going through family therapy with a therapist who can work with you, your child, and other family members together.   Parenting can be difficult, confusing and challenging to all the generations involved in it, and a professional support system can help with building healthier dynamics and improve communication.