TONE = Middle English: from Old French ton, from Latin tonus, from Greek tonos ‘tension, tone’, from teinein ‘to stretch’. Sense of “manner of speaking” is from c. 1600.”

We often consider that the main component of communication is what we say; however, it’s is our tone of voice that matters even more than words, and second to body language. How we choose to say things has a big impact on the person we talk to.

Our natural tendency is to discount or ignore a concept because we don’t like the tone of voice.

Many years ago, a college professor I knew was speaking to a classroom of students for whom English was not their first language. He explained how a simple phrase like “that’s a BABY?” differs wildly from “THAT’S a baby!” - tone changes whether you want to compliment an infant rather than offend a parent!

Think about being asked the following type of questions:

Why did you do it like that...?

What was in your head when you did that...?

How do those questions make you feel? What was your initial response to them? Because there is no tone or context implied in those examples, your interpretation might vary, and they might prompt certain feelings, ranging from benign to heated.

Context in conversation can change things. When we can see or hear the other person, or have a framework of other words, we can better interpret the true intention behind those messages. In face to face communication, we have the benefit of all 3 elements: words, tone, and body language.

If we are aware of what we mean to say, and if we make efforts to provide a clear context for what we say, it will impact the tone of our voice. This should help the listener understand your message with clarity and honesty.

How can you pay attention to your tone of voice?

Think about what tone you want to use, and listen out for people you know do this effectively - you can learn a lot from other conversations!
Ask the listener for feedback. “Do I sound kind/ rude/ impatient/ condescending?” etc.
Notice if you are speaking out of a negative or positive mindset, and if the choice of dark or light tone is changing your meaning.
Take a voice memo of what you want to say. Play it back and pay attention to how you come across.
Consider your intention. Do you want to pass on information? Do you want to provide answers? Do you want to know the listener’s opinion? Are you genuine or do you want to point-score?

How you speak and what you say to each other has a massive impact on emotions and the quality of your relationships. For example, genuine and repeated signs of gratitude really help to feel connected and to work through tough times.

We generally don’t pay much attention to our tone, but we absolutely notice it if we are on the receiving end! If you feel that your relationships are suffering because of communication issues, and you could do with a bit of help, don’t hesitate to contact us.