As parents, we might believe that in order for their child to be disciplined, they must be made to feel badly about their behavior, and that without a particular enforced consequence, children will lack responsibility. We can view apportioning blame as a good thing, that we are holding them accountable. However, when the blame game becomes a way of life, kids can grow up as more defensive, wanting to watch over their shoulder all the time, and more likely to use blame and aggressive attitudes as a way to deflect responsibility.

Consequence is important, but are they teaching tools? Do you need to set a consequence as a punishment to change certain behaviors? Are they always necessary?

Most contemporary research is showing that positive interactions are the ones that have real, long-term effect, and when a child feels understood and safe, not blamed, that is when behavior is likely to change.

It’s not that bad behavior should be ignored or rewarded, but responding in kindness and with respect in an effort to work out why this behavior is happening is so important for strengthening the parent-child bond.

Kids are not perfect. We all make mistakes, misbehave and push boundaries. Yes, even us adults who should ‘know better’. If we parent with respect and guidance, with a safe place to fail (not just succeed), then our children are able to test their capabilities and do better.

A punitive approach might deal with the matter at hand, but it doesn’t have an eye on the long term. And a harsh response will probably produce a clammed-up child.

Traditional punishment and “discipline” techniques often focus on making a child feel badly about themselves.

We lecture, we deprive of privilege, we have timeouts and groundings. This is what many parents do, this is often what we are used to.

But what does your child learn through this?

For example:

How does not using an iPad teach a child about not hitting?

How does being isolated from others teach a child to self-regulate?

How does saying sorry on demand make a child truly reflect on their actions?

Or is the result a facade of obedience, surreptitious distruction, a broken bond, and resentment? Instead of feeling able to handle a situation better next time, the child will be stewing in their upset and feeling incapable or powerless about themselves.

Children who feel bad about themselves are less likely to cooperate, reflect back to you or choose a different way to behave.

If they feel disconnected. Or tired. Or scared. Or overwhelmed - taking responsibility is a step too far.

“Effective discipline helps children learn to control their behavior so that they act according to their ideas of what is right and wrong, not because they fear punishment. For example, they are honest because they think it is wrong to be dishonest, not because they are afraid of getting caught.” – Valya Telep, Child Development, Virginia State University.

Discipline that is effective helps your child find their way back to feeling well so they can behave well.

Instead of using consequences unrelated to the behavior, one option is to try working through natural consequences instead. Explain what those consequences are:

“If you don’t come for dinner when it’s ready, you won’t have anything to eat until breakfast.” - hunger is the natural consequence to that behavior.

“If you don’t do your schoolwork, you will get a low grade.” - bad marks is a natural consequence.

“If you don’t put your laundry in the basket, you won’t have clean clothes for school.” - the natural consequence is they have to wear dirty clothes and face the repercussions outside of the home.

Natural consequences allow children to learn from the natural order of the world. If the thought of this makes you clutch your chest in horror, you are not alone. However, I need to ask you the same as I’d ask myself each time - is the consequence I want to apply more about dealing with the inconvenience now, or for the benefit of my child’s long-term growth? Do we have experiences of shame, punishment and lack in our own childhood that makes us respond in a certain way to our own children? And if we are TRULY honest with ourselves - is the discipline we choose more about US, our pride, our standing, and the opinions others have about us as parents, instead of who it should be about - our children?

Remember, growing up takes a lot of patience and time. We cannot expect kids to act at a maturity level above their age, but they are always to be treated with respect despite their age. They need to feel safe when they come to us with their mistakes. Set clear expectations and follow through. Be respectful and make sure that the consequences and discipline actually make sense. Find solutions that make your child feel better, and in doing so, they can choose better.

It’s not an overnight process to replace punitive consequences with respectful guidance and natural consequence. Your child needs daily help, and some work might need to be done to repair the parent-child bond. Keep your eye on the end target, not the current situation. If we model kindness and connect with our child daily, showing how clear expectations and boundaries work in our own lives, and how we take responsibility for our own actions, this is how they learn to take responsibility for their own.