Self-care is habit of asking yourself, “Am I OK?” and checking in with yourself now and again to see how you’re doing mentally, emotionally, and physically. It allows you to evaluate what is happening with your mind and body. You may discover that one or more element is out of balance, leaving you feeling disjointed or “just not quite right”. We’ve discussed some mindful/self-care practices in this blog over the past several months - these do indeed refocus us, give us empathy towards ourselves and help to provide some clarity. There can be one big elephant in the room that we can obscure or skirt around - forgiveness. 

Why do we need it, and who do we need to give it to? To quote the R.E.M. song, everybody hurts. 

We have offended people, and they have offended us. When our emotions get damaged in that way, it’s normal to feel a sense of deep mistrust of the other person, and this can spread to a general feeling of unease when it comes to dealing with people at large. 

When we are deeply hurt by people close to us, who we trust and love, it can feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath our feet - the sense of disorientation is very real. We can make inner vows to never trust them again, or see similarities in other people that cause us to operate out of suspicion as a general approach. You might have heard people say that holding on to unforgiveness doesn’t hurt the person who caused the offence, but it poisons you. This is very true, but we can feel justified in our anger and resentment, forming a barrier around ourselves so “we won’t get hurt again.”

Maybe you won’t be hurt directly by that person again, but are you really free from being hurt by the situation and by your own heart and mind? Holding onto deep resentment can plough a furrow into our well-being, physical, mental and emotional.

When we hold onto offence, it’s like someone holding their breath before splashing their face in refreshing water; but the water never comes, and we continue to hold our breath until we pass out. We can view forgiveness as something we might extend if we get a sincere apology or restitution from the offender...but what if that never comes? Reconciliation and forgiveness are not the same thing. If you want to pursue reconciliation that requires both parties to be on board, but forgiveness just requires you. 

Forgiveness requires us to feel empathy and compassion for the offender, and this can’t be forced. It has to happen as part of your own healing process. It is not forgetting or refusing to acknowledge that what happened, happened. In forgiving, you release the control the offender has over your emotions, and you are free to feel how you actually feel.  You are allowed to feel all or none of the feelings, and work through them honestly. It is at your own pace, outside of anyone else’s expectations.

Be patient with yourself. This is the hard work of life. Maybe the first person you need to forgive is you, and that’s ok. Work through those potential feelings of self-distrust, shame, discouragement and insecurity - and if it all feels too much to handle, please reach out to others who can assist you. 

Peace is a choice, and the journey towards it is not always straightforward or when we want it, but it does lie at the end of forgiveness.