There are several different styles of communication that we can all use depending on which situation we find ourselves in, but most of us have a default that we fall back into each time. Negative communication can destroy a relationship; always trying to win in a discussion can turn things stone cold.

We started looking at types of destructive communication last week, and the damage that ‘always trying to be right’ can bring.  Let’s continue our look at the ways in which we can use negative communication.

Always trying to win or ‘point score’.

One of the most prevalent uses of bad communication is when either person is determined to win the argument. Instead of trying to show one another respect while trying to resolve conflicts and discuss issues, one or both parties might see any argument more like going into battle; it’s seen as a ‘fight to the death’ metaphorically speaking, where there can only be one victor. 

Behaviors may include one of the following strategies:

Intimidating your partner, by shouting or manipulative behavior. 

Pinning guilt and blame the other person. This isn’t always a matter of one party claiming total innocence in a situation,  it it can also be the case where one person also apportions a small bit of ‘blame’ on themselves,  but puts the bulk of it on the shoulders of their partner. 

Constantly criticising the other person, or finding reasons to be negative and nit-pick about actions or characteristics. 

All of these strategies seek to minimise and devalue the other person. When you view your partner with negative eyes, for example as someone stupid, selfish, jealous, idiotic or childish, then value is stripped from them easily. By putting yourself in the upper hand position, you might feel that they need to be taught, by you, to see the truth of what you know but they don’t. Submission is the goal, not resolution. 

The problem with this kind of communication is that you never actually win. Bullying does work…until it doesn’t. While people may stay silent or give in, this always comes at a very high price. It plants seeds of bitterness and resentment, and becomes less about love and more about who dominates who. 

If your communication is falling into the above pattern, it’s time to examine the overall health of the relationship. 

Part 3 next Friday.