When we are in conflict with someone else, we can make some assumptions about what they mean and any agenda, rather than giving them the benefit of doubt. We assume the worst, rather than the best. 

There is a concept called “the principle of charity” which might be beneficial in our discussions, helping us work through conflicts and reach understanding. 

To apply this idea, we have to work from the basis of two things:

The other person is sane;

They are saying things that make sense to them.

We may disagree vehemently with what they are saying, but in being charitable we realise that although they look at the issue differently to us, it is something that is obvious to them. During conflict, a large part of the work you both need to do is not to necessarily agree, but to understand why they are reacting in a certain way, and to understand how they see it. 

When we don’t understand where the other person is coming from, we will struggle to interpret their take on it. It is important to differentiate between the other person’s intent and their impact. 

We may not like conflict, and any discussions might leave us feeling negatively impacted by an argument, but we shouldn’t mistake that for intent. If we believe we’re entering into conflict with the best of intentions, it is charitable to believe the other person is too. 

It is possible to mean well, and hurt the other person (and vice versa).  Conflict can result in painful feelings, but conflict shouldn’t be the vehicle in which to inflict pain. 

Share how things look from your viewpoint, and leave space for the other person to express their view. Allow each other to share the knowledge and information each of you have - you may both be working from different information, or the same but with different interpretations. 

Sort out the feelings from the facts. Realise that your interpretation might be missing something. Be genuinely interested in the other parties’ viewpoint. 

When we understand, even if we don’t agree, it brings us closer to a point of peace.