We all make mistakes as parents. There are times when, no matter how loving, nurturing, and understanding we are with our children, we lose it or say and do things that we later regret. Rather than contemplating IF mistakes are made by parents in their attempts to be competent, the question is HOW we deal with these mistakes, and repair the damage caused.

It is common for parents and children to experience an emotional disconnect when they are at odds. As harsh words are exchanged and tension mounts between them, it is easy to feel as though the emotional ties you want with your child have been severed. What is the most effective way to repair that broken relationship that promotes real healing?

Your role as a parent is to teach your child how to handle conflict. When you're cranky, you may justify not trying to resolve conflicts or take the initiative to model how this can be done healthily. However, try to remember that your children haven't had the same skill-building experience in conflict as you have. That means you need to look at these tense, sense-heightening situations as teaching opportunities and step toward them to try and resolve it.

You are modeling an important phenomenon for your children by striving to heal the relationship with your child and actively working through the emotional difficulties. When you pursue your child and attempt to help them through the difficulties, you are teaching them that the relationship is worth restoring.

As you demonstrate humility by admitting and apologizing for your mistakes, you are conveying to your child that you value them. Your self-responsibility will show them that they can own their part in the conflict.
Taking responsibility for things that do not belong to you is not what I am suggesting. However, we are often quick to blame our children for things we should be taking some responsibility for as well. We react in our own frustration, fears, inconvenience and even hunger when it comes to dealing with conflict, often in disproportionate ways and with no relation to the current situation. It’s important to acknowledge that.

In a parent-child relationship in which this type of repair becomes a regular feature, it is much easier for the child to adopt these values and apply them to other relationships. As your child enters adulthood and navigates the workplace, marriage, and everything in between, consider how valuable this skill will be to them.

Do not try to conceal or minimize emotions with your child. In doing so, you teach your child to hide or minimize his or her emotion. If you are angry, tell your child you are angry - but do so respectfully and without blame or shame. By taking the lead and expressing some emotion, you motivate your children to express their emotions too.
Emotional repair is about putting your feelings into words so that the other person can hear and understand them. When you appropriately express your feelings, you also demonstrate that you are able to manage and express even strong emotions. This can be a very comforting for children to know their feelings (even uncomfortable or powerful ones) are a natural part of the rhythm of relationships. In addition, it implies that there is a life inside of them that can be experienced, understood, and accepted.

Many parents simply stop here, but if you really want to mend the relationship as well as teach them a powerful skill, then this next step is imperative.

You should allow your child to talk to you about the conflict. Let your child express their full range of emotions, and if necessary, allow them to express strongly, so long as the expression is respectful and does not provoke violence. Although engaging in open communication with your children may be uncomfortable for some, this new depth of understanding can redefine your relationship as a whole.

For example, when we are in the middle of a difficult conflict with our children, we can become upset when emotions are high and say things we regret. It is up to us as mature adults to take the intuitive to start working it out with our child. Apologies are necessary and extremely powerful. Don’t let pride or a sense of “my way or the highway” enter into the conflict. As parents, we are human too and make mistakes. The world would be a better place if we owned up to those mistakes, even with our kids.

When we give our children opportunity to express their thoughts about an argument, there is a big possibility that they will open up about deep feelings that you hadn’t realized existed. Conversations like this can bring healing and a sense of increased closeness.

Permission to name and express their feelings does not equate to allowing them to do whatever they want. Boundaries and limits are clearly necessary, but when we accept the feelings of our children, they are better equipped to accept the limits we set. It is not permissiveness, it is empowerment. Your child will feel less isolated and their love for you will grow when they feel understood.

These principles of repair don't happen automatically while our children grow up. They require practice and tweaking and personalization. You will be teaching them one of the most important skills they will use throughout their lives if you take the lead, share your feelings, and encourage them to do the same.