We are conditioned to believe that relationships are about giving and taking, which reinforces this mindset that they require sacrifice. It also implies that if we give, the other person will take, but they will also give reciprocate and allow us to take from them, too. We have a perspective that it will happen naturally, like a kind of ‘one-for-one’ scenario. The reality is, this isn't how relationships function. When relationships aren't mutual, one person normally ends up overcompensating and giving more. In essence, they give in order to get back, or sacrifice themselves for the benefit of the other person, and keep ramping it up until the other person notices, feels guilty, and then takes on the mantle of ‘giver’.

This becomes quite dysfunctional and based on performance very quickly.

Mutuality and intimacy are what make relationships work, not “if you do X then I’ll do Y”.

We can't help but keep score when we're focused on "give and take". We can't trust because we're afraid of losing what we've given. As human beings, we carry the fear that we'll be taken advantage of, but in reality keeping score of what we’ve done, and what we’re owed always causes tension and resentment in relationships. Our tendency is to rationalize our efforts by telling ourselves that "relationships are about giving and taking" we can be tempted to diminish our own needs, wants, and feelings - this can them diminish our place in the relationship, and lead to feelings of being neglected or constantly being taken advantage of.

When we do not have healthy boundaries around giving, we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of the relationship. Instead of giving out of a truly free choice, we feel obliged or guilted into doing it, or worrying about repercussions afterwards if we don’t. Also, if we do not have healthy boundaries around taking for ourselves, then we can also take advantage of others.

As we trust in ourselves and the other person, and come from a healthy place of appreciating one another, having the same personal values and maintaining our own boundaries, this causes true intimacy to flourish. If we are truly willing to be vulnerable, to be ourselves and give or take without hidden agendas or a desire to manipulate, this is relational maturity. We will not exploit ourselves (or allow others to take advantage of us) just because we're in a relationship. We will be aware of our own boundaries, make them known genuinely and unambiguously, and learn from our mistakes when we’ve overstepped them or been unclear. The goal is to avoid becoming the ‘giver’ and making the other the ‘taker’. As a consequence, we are less likely to harbor deep resentment and the constant feeling that we give to much and get nothing back. Instead, each person can see the value in the other, and cherish what has been given and received.

Relationships should be characterized by genuine affection and respect for one another, encouragement, trust, and real care. They are also marked by both people being present in the relationship, and valuing themselves and the other person equally. This results in everyone being aware of their giving and taking and their actions, or learning and growing in awareness of their contribution to the relationships - not in order to point score or feel superior, but in the full awareness that both of you build a healthier and happier, flourishing partnership.