Scrambling breathlessly onto the bus, you sigh in relief at the sight of an empty seat. Not only that, it’s an empty seat with another one beside it. While you mentally revel in the fact that you’ll have room to relax, someone else clambers on, and throws themselves onto the seat beside you. Lo and behold they are what’s known as a ‘spreader’. They have no concept of self-containment, with knees and elbows everywhere, and you find yourself almost apologetically curling into a ball, making yourself smaller as they seem to take up more and more room. Inwardly you complain about their selfishness and your discomfort, but there is also a niggling voice saying “I don’t need to have any more room, it’s fine.”

Maybe you consider yourself a calm person - not one to make a fuss, or create any waves.  To speak your mind would cause too much disruption and conflict, and it’s just not worth it. So maybe shrinking back and not claiming too much space for yourself is best…

Someone bumps into you, and the first word you say is “Sorry!” Is it politeness, or might there be some other reason? Are you apologising for making a mistake, or are you apologising for taking up space?

This includes both physical space in the world (having your own boundaries and making yourself at home) and your mental space in the world (sharing your opinions and talking about your life). 

Perhaps the calmness we claim isn’t actually being calm, but a denial of our needs?  We sometimes make ourselves smaller to make others more comfortable. The worry about being “too anything” stifles us, shuts us up, crushes our spirit and makes us want to default to someone else’s personality in order to fit in. The gaping chasm left by not being truly ourselves and listening to our inner yearning is easily filled by the likes of food, alcohol or any number of distractions, even those under the veneer of being “healthy”.

You owe it to yourself to be present and to come out from the shadows.

You deserve to take up more space in the lives of others and for them to truly know you and see you. 

Your voice needs to be heard - breathe deeply, let more space exist in your lungs for those words that are seared into your heart and soul to come out more loudly. 

You need to carve more space out for your own needs. 

Don’t be sorry for expressing what you feel, nor for the stumbling imperfection of your speech. Allow your emotions, because squashing them into a small box and ignoring them does your health no good. 

Your thoughts, opinions, and voice matter. Stop minimising your language by apologising or saying things like “just” or “only” when you speak. Say ‘no’ more - remind yourself that you are saying no to a request, not to the person; the same goes when you also get a ‘no’ for yourself. It’s not personal. Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it, and also don’t be afraid to volunteer advice to others. You’d be surprised how much you have to offer.

Allow yourself to take up more space.  It is something you deserve, and you may just make yourself and the world better by not shrinking away.