Growing up, I was pretty terrified of the judgement of others. Not so much in my peer group, but mostly from the grown ups in my sphere. I was totally disapproval-phobic. Because of this, it absolutely spilled over into my choice of friends. I was not the type to hang out with the “bad kids”, and I very much gravitated towards the safe and easy-going kind. There is definitely some truth in the idea of guilt by association with friendship groups, but also benefits by association as well. Our friendships can and do have a rub-off effect, even if some of us are very far from those school days!

The concept of friendship-relationships is relatively new, anthropologically speaking. Early tribes of humans were organized around what anthropologists call "kinship". Generally, life was centered around blood-ties, family, marital agreements and not much else - the concept of meeting work colleagues for a drink or chilling with your buddies was far in the future. With the Agrarian and Industrial Revolutions, more “strangers” were thrown together in rural and urban situations than ever before, and more choice was offered. At a basic level, friends are people who accept each other because they like one another, but choosing your friends can be more than just hanging out with like-minded people. It can be a place of encouragement, healthy challenge and inspiration. We take on our friends as an act of volition, not because of duty or familial requirement. The old phrase of “you can choose your friends, but not your family” rings true, but even if you base your friendships on having people around that you like, they aren’t always easy, and there are definite peaks and troughs.

Hey, good looking: A study has found that strangers evaluate a person based on their looks, whether they have symmetrical faces, are physically similar, level of attractiveness, for example. With close friendships, this becomes less important - how we see our friends is different to how we see people we don’t know. The support network of friends is as important to personal happiness as support from family members; however this can vary as different cultures diverge in the ways they value and experience friendships.

Having close friends is associated with better self-confidence, work engagement, and a sense of belonging. How can some friends make you more successful? Well if you have "critical friends", this can be a great driver for personal achievement. I don’t mean friends who criticize and are constantly nit-picky and negative - those are pretty toxic. No - a critical friend is someone who is not a ‘yes person’ who puts up with everything you do. They call you out when you stuff up and challenge you to be better. They are totally ok with you being fully yourself, but aren’t timid about asking you to step up to a higher level. These type of friendships take work - and if it’s only going one way, then it’s not a healthy balance. Critical friendships can include falling out and making up on occasion, so it’s important to apologise and offer support, rather than drop criticism bombshells and run. Do not “ghost” people (honestly, this is incredibly damaging behavior!). The best friendship is based on authenticity, intimacy and admitting to your own mistakes. They provide a call to action, rather than character assassination!

The wind beneath my wings: It’s good to have friends who inspire you. The ones who make you think “hey, I can do this as well!” We can be influenced so much by social media, entertainment and advertising, and be given an idealistic and idolizing view of how our lives should be like compared to others. It makes us feel like we’ve fallen short when we don’t see the realistic backgrounds and how much these images are based on money, fakery or a split second in life rather than the whole story. However, the success of our friends (if indeed the relationship is authentic and healthy) should make us feel happy for them and enthusiastic for our own potential. This is the difference between having friends who view life as a constant competition, and those who inspire. Seek out the latter type, not the former - competitive friends will ultimately make you feel deficient and unhappy.

You can have friends for many reasons, who fall into different categories. Familiar friends you’ve had forever. Friends with common interests and hobbies. Friends who provide good sounding boards because they propel you forwards, or friends who are creatively adventurous and encourage you to be the same.

It’s important to periodically take stock (or perhaps do it for the first time) and examine why you have the friends you have. Do they encourage, inspire, comfort and make you a better person? Do you do that for them? Or maybe you’ve fallen into a rut, or the friendship is based on superficiality or has even become toxic and damaging? It might require challenging the status quo and having difficult conversations, and that’s ok.

You don’t have to be best friends with everybody, just better friends with some.