MINDFULNESS MONDAY: In My Room

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Anxiety is growing in today’s society, and is being increased by many people feeling a greater sense of disconnect, of not belonging and a rise in stress. 

This has been especially exacerbated by lockdowns, social distancing and the hard decisions we’ve all had to make in the last year.

Feeling a bit anxious when it comes to socializing is normal - we can all be fearful when trying new things, starting in new places. However, it’s a problem when you have constant worry when it comes to dealing with others, and it affects how you function every day. This is social anxiety. 

There can be a few common symptoms that effect mental, emotional and physical health when it comes to social anxiety:

  • you avoid social situations

  • You worry about being judged and commented on by others

  • You sweat and feel sick

  • You can’t make eye-contact

  • You choose to withdraw and isolate yourself instead of engaging with others

  • You restrict the number of friendships and connections you have.

Why do some people have social anxiety? When we are around other people, our mind filters the situation and any information; depending on how we perceive ourselves and others, this affects our decision-making and what ‘truth’ we internalize. 

Of course, it’s important to be able to work out how people see us - it helps us adapt to situations and for our behavior to be socially aware, and avoid being ‘that person’ who seeks to be offensive just for the sake of making ripples.

However, if you’ve had painful experiences in the past, especially during childhood, our brains can make us store up an idea about ourselves and how others see us. We believe certain things about our character and level of extroversion/introversion to be true, even if they are far from accurate. This creates a strong sense of fear and shame. 

For example, if your reticence to immediately engage with others (especially adults) you didn’t know as a child was labeled as “shyness”, you might become an adult who believes they lack the facility to converse with people they don’t know. This can carry into daily life - buying groceries, job interviews, anything involving strangers. You can carry labels unfairly - taking time to warm to people isn’t shyness - you are a thoughtful person who weighs situations up. And just maybe your childhood reticence was based on a good gut feeling about the stranger being unsafe or unfriendly - labeling you as shy makes you start to doubt your inner voice too. 

This is only one example of how negativity bias can cause negative experiences and thinking to be stored in our minds, and these can always overshadow anything good. You expect the worst, even if the situation is actually positive. 

How can mindfulness help?

When practicing mindfulness, you look into how and why your thoughts exist. You don’t avoid investigation, you embrace figuring out what makes you tick. This curiosity will hopefully help you connect the dots and come to a place of acceptance - this is why you feel what you feel. You develop a kind and compassionate attention and recognize the fears you hold that stop you getting close to other people.

Ultimately, the goal of mindfulness is to open an individual’s eyes to the reality that there IS some good out there, and life isn’t completely negative. 

How does mindfulness help with social anxiety in particular?

  • Acknowledge that what you are doing is an ongoing process, a lifestyle - not a one-time fix. You are not stuck. It isn’t who you are. Your identity isn’t found in your struggles.

  • Keep your goals in sight. If you want to have better connections with others, keep going.

  • Don’t expect to change overnight. Set realistic goals, easy to achieve mindfulness practice for a couple of minutes a day. Bit by bit, stretch yourself to try new things.

  • Write it down - keep a diary or journal and note down your thoughts, whether they are changing and what you’re doing to challenge them.