What happens when you’re ready to make the big decision with your partner, but they aren’t so sure? Or vice versa? It’s not always unusual to both be at different stages of readiness when it comes to committing to marriage or life-long relationship. The atmosphere may be tense with expectation, unsaid questions or a bit of stress, and neither of you are sure how to take that next step.

Instead of it being all ‘hearts and flowers’, the transition of a relationship can be pretty tense. Perhaps you or your partner might be feeling pressure to make a decision or risk rejection or even the future of the relationship.

It can help to take a step back and try to gain perspective and a clear view of the road ahead (preferably without listening to the voices of people around you who get swept up in the romance of it all!), to really think about why you might have differences in expectations and view of commitment and what should be done to address it.

For some couples, marriage isn’t on the cards. Not that they want to go their separate ways, but it’s just not something they want to do. However, if you have disparate views on the need or place of marriage itself, then a discussion needs to happen to see if there is a happy compromise that can be made. At this point, it may be useful to seek professional help if you think this could be a difficult conversation.

Ultimately, it can just boil down to one thing - do you want to be with this person? It’s a simple question, but the answer isn’t always easy. Your idea and attitude towards a big relational commitment may be tempered by our mindset, experience of our parents’ marriages and how we have witnessed people handling conflict.

And sometimes we just don’t know, or have avoided thinking about it.

If our avoidance is due to the realization that no, this is not the person I actually want to be with….be fair. Think about whether the relationship should continue. If the other person has a clear idea of how deeply they want things to go, it’s unkind to take the relationship to the next level if you don’t see a future with them. Is the other person a “no”, or is commitment a “not yet”?

Don’t carry on and leave the other person oblivious. It’s a tricky conversation, but it needs to be done. You owe it to the both of you to spend time working things out - ultimately the ability to talk about the hard things will help in the long-term: in this relationship or in potential others.