When it comes to understanding how relationships work, something we need to be aware of is CHANGE. Over time, our needs can change, and our priorities can become less important or replaced by something else.

One example is the need for sexual intimacy - this can diminish as people get older, but not always! Each couple have unique needs and desires of course. In some cases, the need for physical closeness may be replaced by a different type of companionship, or for some, their older years may bring a confidence in self-image and desire to finally celebrate your own needs and desires.

Also, previous needs of security and validation may become less important if you have been in a relationship that has consistently provided these things. The more fulfilled and safe a person feels in a relationship, the less they will seek what they already have, and the more their focus can shift towards other priorities.

It is really important to recognise your own needs, and to know that you are absolutely entitled to have those needs. It is ok to want to have those needs met - within reasonable expectations and parameters, of course.

Traditionally, human needs and wants have received a bit of a bad press. If we have something that would help us emotionally or psychologically, there can be a misconception that these are a sign of weakness, instability or selfish. We end up feeling that our needs are a flaw, and to express them makes us needy or overly demanding, so we stay quiet, and we bury those desires.

I repeat - having needs is normal and part of being human. The idea of completely ignoring them is destructive, and there is a risk that unmet basic fundamental needs will spill out in harmful ways at a later stage.

Looking at the less healthy side of things, if the person you are in relationship with has constant demands and you seem to be unable to do the right thing to meet those needs, there is a much bigger issue at play. The same goes if you find that you are constantly talked out of a need, i.e. “You don’t really need that”, or “That’s not important”. This is a time for professional guidance to deal with deep-rooted behaviors.

Taking the position that your own needs are all that matter, and that they need to be met no matter what, even if it hurts or is detrimental to the other person, is a vastly different thing to wanting your fundamental needs met in order to have a happy relationship with each other.

It is important to be able to tell the difference between those ideas of what a need really is in order to have a healthy mindset and a relationship which functions and flourishes.

Needs are normal and they are really important. Unmet and and non-verbalised needs are like acid. They burn and destroy us from the inside out if they remain unknown.

By the time we enter into a relationship with someone, it is essentially the tip of the needs iceberg. We have had a previous lifetime of seeing what we really want ignored, indulged or misinterpreted, and all of our experience filters through that relationship, having an impact on our self-worth, our expectations and the health of the partnership. It dictates to our desires, and highlights that working on ourselves needs to happen while we work on our relationships.

It’s vital that we make the effort to recognise our needs and talk about them with our partner. Examine if they are genuinely realistic, and if one set of needs are what you really want, or if they are informed by emotions or desires that are healthy or dysfunctional. Realise that no person can totally fulfil our needs - if we think that, then we will be disappointed and the other person will be totally overwhelmed with the constant pressure.

Your needs will not be the same as their needs, we are all unique humans. Make space for differences and priorities, and remember that good communication and healthy compromise are key components to meeting needs.