One thing we can learn in adulthood is that it's impossible to please some people. Not because you didn't try hard enough or because there's anything wrong with you - unpleasable people don't want good times to last, they want to rain on everyone’s parade.

Why? Because it’s their identity, and they will look for something to be wrong or cause problems so that you won't be too comfortable. They're very invested in the narrative that you and the world are perpetually disappointing.

The more you try to please them, to win their approval and make things better, the more problems you cause. You end up highlighting their misplaced perceptions and expectations. As strange as it sounds, your efforts come across as flaws or weaknesses to them, and make the, even more frustrated.

They perceive that you are lacking in some way when you continue to try in spite of their behavior. They identify and exploit your lack of boundaries (they can tell because you are trying too hard) and use the power imbalance to increase their sense of superiority.

If you’ve grown up with unpleasable people, this becomes the norm, and trying too hard becomes your normal state. Not having a healthy boundary that speaks up when they won't give you the benefit of the doubt becomes your life role and part of the status quo.

If you subscribe to this dynamic, you are playing into the fantasy that one day they will be pleased and will stay pleased. That is your hope, but it isn’t a realistic expectation. In your heart of hearts, you know that if you put a foot wrong with an unpleasable person (and this is as simple as breathing), you will soon see that the relationship is on very shaky ground.

Regardless of how things seemed to be going, it becomes clear that there are always people in your life who compare you to something or someone else. They create drama by setting traps or waiting for you to walk right into it.

Eventually, what becomes clear is that things weren't OK when you believed they were, and they ‘cast up’ and make a comment or remark about something you believed to have been dealt with already. An unpleasable person is ‘allowed’ to bring up something from a long time ago, but according to their rules, you are not permitted to mention something that just happened.

When you're around unpleasant people, you're either in the wrong now or later. Pick your poison, but don't sugarcoat the truth, either. It's impossible to please some people, and that's OK.

No matter how good you are or what you do, you may still ‘miss the mark’, regardless of your efforts, and how obedient or diligent you are.

It is liberation, not condemnation, to acknowledge that we (myself and the person I am dealing with) are not OK; it’s important to accept them and their dynamic as they are, without casting judgement on yourself for your perceived deficiencies in the relationship.

Changing your priorities from looking OK (keeping up appearances) to being OK in the relationship means that you don't have to be at the mercy of an unpleasable person. Find the sweet spot (if there is one) in the relationship where you can engage with the other person, and go about your daily routine without losing your inner peace.

You become a perpetually dissatisfied individual when seeking validation from an unpleasable person. Your identity gets lost when you make it your role in life to please others.

Micromanaging people's feelings isn't 'pleasing'; it's the hazy limitations of overresponsibility. Let them be frustrated or unhappy if they want to be. Just know that it's not about you, even if they claim that it’s you’re fault. Being authentic doesn't mean you need to fix someone else's feelings. Being authentic means you have your back and hold your own healthy boundaries. Be yourself.