In a balanced relationship both partners feel as equally important as the other - you both have an equal say in things as a whole. There should be no sense of your opinion being marginalised or that you have no part to play in the decision-making process - there must be a meeting of minds and a freeness to talk through any decisions and issues.

However, it’s easy for each partner to fall into a certain role and play to their strengths. The more extroverted person may have a bigger say in your social plans. Better with numbers? The responsibility for finance might be assumed by you.

The flow and interaction of our own skills and responsibilities is a natural part of living together, and each partner should be encouraged to flourish and do what they are best at, and to nourish the partnership making it stronger.

Still - we have to be careful that what we label “responsibility” or “having the main say” isn’t just a polite way of referring to “power” or “control”.

Both partners should have the same amount of wiggle-room to work around their areas of responsibility. Having the same amount of relational power doesn’t mean that these duties are the same for you both, it means that these duties can be exchanged, shared and spread in a way that is mutually beneficial.

In the same way “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, I feel that the road to relationship hell is paved with unexplained expectations. It’s important to check in with each other, revisit your expectations of each other and regularly examine if they are realistic. This can be difficult if your default setting is to not ask to do something instead of your partner (carrying out a particular task, making a choice about where you eat, etc.). It’s good to ask if they would want you to do it instead - lots of people don’t realise that carrying out that particular task is causing them more stress than they realise and they really .could do with dropping that burden for a while

Roles and responsibilities can change over time too, and this is why the lines of communication need to remain open. What has worked may no longer work. People can assume roles because it is what is expected (because of gender/parenting/influences) rather than where they would naturally flourish. Be open to this and realise that if you do end up in conflict, that you are meant to be fighting in the same team for each other, not against each other.

If power in a relationship is extremely skewed and favours one partner more than the other, this becomes abuse.

Abusive relationships are when the power is actually control. This can happen with overt actions or without much consideration, and may include (but not exclusively) emotional blackmail, belittling, making the other person feel intimidated, or manipulative behavior to get your own way - all the way up to financial and physical abuse. These behaviors are NOT OK.

If you feel you might be in an abusive relationship, it’s important to seek support.