There’s zero doubt that no matter where you are on the globe, the last 18 months have been tough. Many people have felt lonely and isolated, and perhaps also have felt driven to reach out to people they’ve been close to in the past. 

This urge to reach out has possibly been greater when you have unfinished business with someone - the desire to tie things up in a neat bow or to see if things can be as they were is very strong. 

Of course, it is personal choice when or if you reach out to that person, and it’s not always a bad idea. Sometimes the wondering what could happen is worse that the realization that you shouldn’t have bothered. Either way, it’s a learning curve, even if it’s not the most comfortable one. 

However, before you do take that step to contact people from your past, it may be helpful to consider your motivation for reaching out. Are you doing so just because you are feeling lonely?
If you’ve lost touch through a fracture in the relationship, there will be hurt feelings on both sides. Do you really want to open a fresh wound again?  Even if you haven’t spoken for years, there is a reason why neither of you have wanted to be in contact.

Perhaps you’ve both grown and changed since then, but the fact remains - past hurt still needs to be worked through, and you both have to be up for that. Only reach out if you think it will be more mutually beneficial than painful. Are they worth it? Do you miss them, or just the idea of having a connection? Has the passing of time made you romanticize the situation?

If you are generally lonely and not specifically missing that particular person, think about NOT reaching out. It’s not just about you and your current feelings, and they will probably not meet that need - in fact they may feel used. 

Loneliness does not have to be terminal, but it can make us feel desperate to communicate with everyone and anyone. It will pass, and the urge to contact that person will too. 

If you genuinely desire to reconcile, it is a long and hard road, and can only be successful if both of you want it. Don’t be tempted to see a renewed relationship as either the cause of your problems or your salvation. 

Try to find healthy ways to be connected to others, and not hitch all your hopes on one person. Loneliness is an epidemic, and it can have a negative effect on mental health, but expecting a single person (and one you’ve not had a good relationship with for a while) to be the answer is hugely unrealistic. We are all complex and imperfect beings. 

Acknowledging that it is connection that you miss, and not really that person, is a fundamentally stable first step.

Part 2 of this post next Friday.