We all want to portray a certain image of ourselves. This has become even more prevalent in a culture where social media has made our reception of each other and our projection of ourselves much easier. There can be a tendency to spin our lives or edit our experience to make it more palatable or attractive to onlookers, but this comes at a cost. In putting forward only one side of our selves, we risk losing our authenticity and in not being fully honest we can persuade others to put a spin on their own lives.

Now, there’s a caveat here. Not everything has to be put ‘out there’, either online or in real life. Not everyone needs to share our most intimate thoughts and vulnerabilities, nor can everyone be trusted with them. Also, in being open, we run the risk of allowing others to speak into our lives in a way that is negative, or in a way where we are professionally, emotionally and mentally unequipped to experience or provide help. Balance counts, and what you share with others needs to be wholly authentic, not always hiding behind a happy image, nor behind words and experiences that you haven’t actually worked through healthily.

The other side of the coin is how you deal with conflict and feedback from others. People can say things on a keyboard they wouldn’t say in real life, and there needs to come a point where you choose how and whether to respond. Do you really have a relationship with them? Have you built up a ‘tribe’ online based on reality or on spin?

Do you really need to do anything?

With authentic relationships, conflict always rises up at certain points. Being challenged can actually be a way of bringing support, but we don’t always feel that way. If we have good relationships with people (I also include those in our immediate flesh-and-blood circle), calling out certain behaviors that are problematic and bothersome can be beneficial for you both. It is an opportunity to examine the dynamic of the relationship, and learn from each other, rather than be put on the back foot every time that behavior arises.

In helping each other understand the impact of the behavior, it shows that you are committed to bettering your relationship and making it grow. This cannot be a one-sided argument, both parties need to be willing to make a good relationship become an excellent one.

People fight. It happens. Running away from conflict makes you bury those problems under a veneer of “okayness”, but veneers are by nature decorative and flimsy. By stripping things back and dealing with the issues you can prevent the rot from setting into your relationship. Unspoken conflict always leads to much bigger issues, including a loss of self and further harm that can ruin things for good. If we deal with things when they arise, we refuse to push things into the shadows where they can wait and fester, causing permanent damage.

We learn, we resolve, we move forwards.

Necessary conflicts shouldn’t be avoided. If you deal with them healthily, you can avoid the unnecessary ones.