In our look at types of destructive communication over the last few weeks, we’ve seen that if we choose particular ways to engage with each other, the relationship can be damaged. We have seen that ‘always trying to score points’, ‘always trying to be right’, ‘not communicating at all’ and ‘fake communication’ can bring. Let’s finish our look at the ways in which we can use negative communication within our relationships.

When it comes to conflict, let’s face it: sometimes people can be stubborn and just downright vicious. This kind of communication goes beyond the desire to win or be right that we looked at in previous weeks; it’s the desire to inflict hurt and intentionally wound one another.

While the relationship may have been passionate and both people were deeply in love at first, this fiery aspect can turn into a strong sense of dislike and even hatred about some of the actions and personality traits belonging to the other person - even those they may have been attracted to initially. If each party in the relationship had previously felt intense desire for each other, almost a type of addiction, this addictive behavior can spill over into other areas (alcohol, food, gambling, risk-taking etc.) and this will only make matters so much worse.
Spoiling for a fight, accusations and judgement, distrust of personal motivation, aggressive and expletive-laden language are a feature of this type of communication, or “low blows”, comments intended to belittle and injure.

The phrase is true: “hurt people hurt people.”

When a relationship has reached this point, it’s fair to say that it can’t fall much lower. If we are driven to put each other down, it means that our own self-esteem is at crisis point - it skews our thinking and makes us believe that making ourselves feel superior at the detriment of others will benefit us.

This unhappiness breeds more discontent, and pushes everyone away, so the individuals become stuck on an endless cycle of discord; all of this in a vain attempt to blame others or ignore that growing empty feeling deep inside.

Breaking this cycle takes bravery and open eyes to see the damage that can and will be caused. The hard work has to come from the individual - people cannot be made to change, though they can certainly be guided towards it - but it cannot be done in the absence of empathy.

If you are hurting each other, seeking professional help may be necessary to pause and hopefully break that cycle.