“You’re such a good girl!”

“Such a nice little boy!”

Good and nice are words with many meanings - morally upright or kind, for example. However, when we talk about or to our children, do we mean “good” or “nice” (or any other descriptors we can fall back on) in this way?

Or do we mean these things?

Quiet.

Not a pain in the rear.

Obedient.

Well-behaved.

Not an embarrassment.

It might be a bit scary to think about, but what are your long-term goals for your child? What do you want them to be like as adults?

Our short-term goals for our children can often be in conflict with our long-term ones, but the biggest challenge is to examine whether our every day parenting practices are helping our kids grow up to be the kind of adults we want them to be. Might there be some things that might actually hinder those long-term goals?

Self-sufficient and reliant.

Functioning member of society.

Successful.

Well-balanced.

Generous.

Loving.

Fulfilled.

Intrinsic motivation is key.

Are our strategies as parents based on compliance and obedience, or on long-term growth into adulthood? Is punishment the same as self-discipline? There is a big difference between having a child who does something because they believe it is the right thing to do, and a child who does it because they fear punishment, shame or out of a sense of compulsion. Expecting children to internalize our own rules is not the same as them developing their own values.

And if we are honest, how many of us act out of fear, shame and compulsions as adults?

Do we want our children to be independent thinkers, and be ethically and morally brave? To stand up to peer pressure because they know their own values? To act morally when you aren’t watching or when they are old enough or out of your sphere of influence? If we emphasize “doing what you are told” at home, might it be possible that they’ll “do what they’re told” outside of the home?

We want our children to meet challenges ‘head on’, and to understand the true value of persistence and hard work.

Sometimes trying to push our children and offering “you can have x if you do y” can actually have the opposite effect. While this can prove effective in the short-term, rather than encouraging a love of learning or making the right choices we are actually teaching our children that it’s not worth doing anything unless you are rewarded in some way for your efforts.

Children are more than their behavior. Three big sticking points that might be worth addressing:

Connection - acknowledging feelings and actually hearing what the child is saying gives them increased confidence to trust you, and more importantly, trust themselves. This in turn will help them be more willing to step out of their comfort zone when faced with challenges.

Competence - if children feel like they can do it, they will do it. So how do we make sure they show determination with things they don’t naturally excel in? Praise the effort, not the result. Break the tasks into manageable steps. Show that you identify the work they are putting into the task, that you notice their feelings and the way they are working through those struggles.

Autonomy - like grown-ups, children aren’t big fans of being told what to do, and can meet with huge resistance. Of course, we need to have healthy boundaries, but involving our kids in the decision-making process (age appropriately, obviously) gives them a greater sense of control and of being an important part of how a family works. On a basic level, this could be offering two alternative choices, both of which suit us, for example, “Would you like to do your 20 minutes reading homework now before dinner, or straight after?”, as opposed to “Do your reading now!” Allowing some independence can reduce resistance and make them feel that they do have some choice.

Ultimately the more we lean towards loving our children conditionally, the lower they will perceive their own value. If we accept only with strings attached, they will also feel the same way about themselves and others. Can we therefore as parents maintain the connection of support and love without conditions or withdrawing emotionally?

Have reasonable expectations, and resist the temptation to compare with others. It isn’t possible to always feel completely motivated 24/7 - if we can’t, our children definitely can’t. Be careful not to put unreasonable pressure on our children.