We hope for our children to grow up as contributing and respected members of a greater world. There are also some unhealthy examples out there in society of demanding respect and staking a claim. Maybe there is more to it than just raising kids to “do as I say, not what I do.”

This may be a huge challenge for us as parents, based on how we ourselves were raised and our viewpoint of what “works”. What’s wrong with demanding obedience? Our view of obedience can have its roots in authoritarian and power-based control.

Can you think of examples of power-based control in your own childhood? Did it work? Or did you do anything you could to defend yourself, whether it be to avoid it, put it off or lessen it by any means - whether those means were lying, scapegoating, begging, crying, or promising to not do it again (or at least, be a lot more secretive about it next time). Punitive discipline is by definition need-depriving as opposed to need-satisfying.

Is the expectation that children will obey our discipline and authority based on reality or is it wishful thinking? Do they really obey, or do they learn avoidant strategies and coping mechanisms?

In showing empathy to our children, we need to check ourselves that our goal isn’t just obedience and making them do what we want. The balance we must strike is letting go of our own agenda while also not letting go of our own underlying needs. What can we as parents do in a different way that means the needs of our child are being met in a more seamless and less antagonistic way? What can be done to lessen battles over food, getting dressed, playtime for example?

The strategy doesn't matter as much as being attuned to both your own and your child's needs. By looking after your child's underlying needs you would also be attending to yours, as you’ll both be a lot happier and calmer. Changing how you do things doesn’t mean dropping your own needs or being permissive - it just means that in this particular moment, your strategies and priorities have changed.

Self-empathy is also very important, as it helps us in that process of letting go of our demands that our child obey us. We’re then faced with a decision - do I express what I need and feel in this moment, or do I empathise with what my child needs and feels right now? What is most important at this point in time - getting things done, or increasing the parent/child connection.? Through self-empathy we give ourselves the understanding and connection that we don’t often get on a day-to-day basis; empathy that runs in short supply when we continually don’t get our own needs met.

Our arguments and frustrations with our kids often stems from our own challenges as a child to the stresses and strains of every day life, and the whole gamut in between. It’s a complex issue - depending on how much we feel our “buttons are being pressed” can escalate our reaction with our child, and our drive to resolve a particular issue. It also makes us examine our approach to parenting at points of stress - do we just want a quick fix, or is it part of the ongoing road where we see raising children with a long-term view where both their needs and ours are met with respect, connection and integrity. Do we want to “sort it now” or as an opportunity to thrive in a framework of mutual trust?

Is it actually possible that both parent and child can achieve their longings, aspirations, and hopes about life?