Perhaps you’ve heard it said that the key to relationships is good communication. We may know this to be true, but what does it mean?
How do we identify why and how we might struggle with certain people when it comes to being heard, or understanding what they have to say?

Might there be deep-rooted reasons why you communicate in a particular way? Over the next two Fridays, I’ll take a look at some of the reasons why.

Listening - unfortunately this isn’t a skill we learn as a school topic. It may be that your own parents/caregivers didn’t listen to you, so you have learned to NOT listen. When we listen, we aren’t meant to zone out, just thinking of the next thing to say to make our own points - or worse, letting our minds wander. Active listening is reflecting back what the person says and how it makes them feel in a bid to truly understand.

Talking - are you too talkative? Have a lot to say? This can give the impression that you are a confident person, but in reality, it might be the result of panicking in a social situation. I recently listened to a podcast by a psychotherapist where the interviewee spoke so quickly, I checked that I hadn’t bumped the speed on my phone to x2 by mistake. Ultimately, this person was living in a state of high anxiety and it was mirrored in her speech.

Talking a lot can be a wall behind which people can hide themselves, a sort of verbal armor. We can talk so much, and even appear ‘vulnerable’ or ‘real’, but it becomes yet another way to hide behind an identity we want to project.

‘Butting in’ - do you always interrupt the flow of others? Sometimes this is linked to how you we’re raised to not listen (as mentioned above) - you’ve never been taught how to interact in conversation. Because you are thinking so much about what you want to say, you just say it, not really hearing the other person. This causes a lot of frustration and a sense of being unheard. If it feels like your mouth is perpetually several conversational steps ahead of your mind, and you genuinely cannot stop interrupting, it may be worth talking to a professional to see if there are other issues at play, such as undiagnosed adult ADHD or anxiety.