There are many component parts that go towards having and sustaining a long and successful relationship. We can be bombarded with ads for products and romantic techniques for a better love life, and lots of voices telling us of some magic and secret ingredient that we NEED to have.

Dissatisfaction and the many questions we have can be at the forefront of our minds given the statistics on marriage and relationship breakdown.

Falling in love can create a explosion of brain chemicals, a deep connection and a ton of passion of many kinds. As the months pass, perhaps some little fissures and cracks can appear - disagreements, arguments, different expectations, a disparity of viewpoints.
Previous habits and characteristics that we’ve tried to hide (not necessarily on purpose) start to be unearthed as we begin to feel more comfortable with one another. The desire to only show our best side starts to slip as we no longer just try to impress each other. Our insecurities, fears, and previous bad experiences with relationships can also start to manifest themselves.

Sometimes you will reach a crisis point - do you call it quits, bear animosity and blame each other for what has gone wrong, or do you work through the disagreements and differences? Can you both take responsibility for issues, and look hard at the baggage you have both inevitably brought into this relationship? The relationship may or may not be mended, but in facing the previous wounds that you are both projecting into the relationship, you will both come out stronger and less likely to carry those issues further in this relationship or into the next one.

The effort and bravery you need to confront what are potentially lifetime wounds is enormous. It can feel easier to cut your losses, blame each other and move on, over and over again. While that is straightforward, it is constantly there, overshadowing how you relate to others and how you live your life.

Whether platonic or romantic, relationships are a big deal. We approach them with our own toolkit of experience, culture, religion, hurts, needs, wants and patterns of behavior - absolutely no-one comes into this as a clean slate. We can sometimes buy into the Hollywood ideal of mateship, sisterhoods and “big love” and expect everything to be swept up into clouds of hearts and flowers and non-stop happiness - the fairytale.

Love cannot sustain itself, it needs some heavy-duty healthy scaffolding around it.

Relationships based on good foundations can be amazing vessels for growth and healing, and for feeling loved and safe. However, they are vessels that are highly reflective - they mirror our feelings and actions back to us, and make us very aware of our emotional processes and previous traumas. With each reflection, we have to consider if we are going to ignore those wounds, or are we going to deal with them - and if you have support within the relationship to grow as an individual (or indeed if the other person is stunting that growth or making it worse).

Building and sustaining a healthy and lasting relationship is not based on common interests and exactly the same way of thinking, though these can be real points of connection in the early stages, and get you through some rough patches. At the heart of any relationship is appreciation, awareness of each other, awareness of oneself, and love (not just the idea of love).
When two people are open to growth and recognise the triggers in each other, and are committed to face the issues that arise as a team, then they can heal as individuals and as a couple.