That annoying voice in our heads. We know it all too well sometimes. The one that says things like “you are a fake and a fraud”, “you’re a failure” or “if people knew what you are REALLY like...”. Our inner critic tells us we are not good enough, and tries to make us feel small and awful, it is incredibly negative. That voice can be so rude and talk to us in a way that we wouldn’t dare to talk to another person. We might feel like it doesn’t have much of an effect, but it really does, and isn’t something we should just accept. A harsh inner critic can paralyse us, stop us reaching our goals and potential and feed into more serious issues with our mental health.

When our peace is gone, it’s easy to enter into that negative downward spiral and not be able to step out of it again.

One one level, we might feel that self-criticism is a helpful motivator, to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps” and drive us towards a target. This can perhaps be true in the short term, but constant negativity will only shape your mind and health in a negative pattern. Being negative to ourselves is just another form of punishment, and this is not a good motivator compared to positive self-talk and reward. While punishment can deter certain behaviors in the short-term, rewards are generally better for shaping new and lasting behavior. Imagine if a toddler trips up and hurts themselves. Do you scream at them for being such an idiot? Imagine doing that every time? What would be the long term effect on that child? Would they feel confident in learning to walk or face challenges? What would happen if you responded positively instead?

So why do it to yourself? When your label yourself negatively, you are in essence demonising and demoralising yourself, and moulding your own image around how you criticise yourself.

What if you feel that what you are telling yourself is deserved? That is irrelevant. Talking to yourself in a negative way is never in your own interest, it can’t be. Abandoning yourself to constant self-criticism is always toxic. It doesn’t have to be that way - we can keep ourselves on track with kindness, and using non-destructive mindsets. It’s ok to look at a situation and work out what you could do better next time, but this isn’t the same as allowing the self-critic to step into the threshold of our thinking.

What can you do to help?

Be aware that the critic is there. We are constantly talking to ourselves, and sometimes the thoughts are so fleeting we barely notice all the things the inner critic is telling us. This is where mindfulness steps in. Make a conscious effort to slow down and pay attention to those thoughts as they happen. This will help you notice when that critic is trying to attack. Usually, your emotions are a good indicator- when you start to feel shame, guilt, lack of self-esteem - it’s usually a sign that your inner critic is speaking.

Try to keep a short note of when and why these negative feelings arise, and what those negative feelings are. When you know the voice, you can better defend yourself against it.

The negative voice wants you to feel it is part of you and indistinguishable from your mind and feelings. This is not true. Your inner critic has been created out of your own negative influences and what you have learnt. It is not part of your character. Some people find it helpful to give the negative voice a name, so they can better separate themselves from the critic. The critic is there, but it is not your identity.

Hopefully if someone else talked to you in a hypercritical way, you wouldn’t just take it, and would defend yourself. It’s ok to talk back to the negative thoughts - tell it you aren’t listening, that it isn’t true. You have a voice too, and you also have a choice. Choose to not give it room in your head, and decide to be kind to yourself instead.

In life, when we go through a hard situation we function better if we have an ally. Alongside the negative critic, it’s important to start meditating on the good things about yourself, and grow a separate inner voice that tells you your positive traits. You do have them, even in your worst moments. It’s hard, but it is possible.

We tend to look for situations that match up to what our brains are telling us is true, evidence for our failings and justification for our negativity. Even the smartest person can tell themselves they are stupid and zero in to little mistakes, because it matches the negative voice. This creates a fixation, which eventually manifests itself into how they feel about themselves as a whole.

Yes, we make mistakes. Yes we should notice if we have hurt others and contributed to a problem. This is part of being human and in our humanity, we should want to make restoration, reparation and do better next time.

However, this will never happen if we embrace a cycle of negative mindsets. The toxic and paralysing effects of self-criticism will ensure that positive steps to make things better will not happen. Even at your lowest, you need to mine for the “gold of the good things” inside of you to break that cycle. You are worth it.