During our childhood, our habits of communicating and expressing ourselves are shaped by the interactions between our parents/caregivers. We absorb patterns of how they handle conflict, if they compromise healthily, and how they talk about, receive and show love. Without even realizing it, little by little, we pick up the habits of those around us and began to mirror them until they become established in our own responses. We very quickly learn if our needs will be met by our parent/caregiver, and HOW to get those needs met. Did we have to fight or make a scene for attention, or was it given to us organically and naturally? If we fall into the former camp where tantrums (and the like) were the most effective technique to get noticed, then it can be a hard habit to break even as an adult. While I’m not suggesting that you pitch a fit in the office, kicking and rolling on the floor, the attitudes and internal dialog from our childhood can linger for a long time, becoming engrained and habitual.

Communicating effectively is a skill that is built over time. It is something that needs to be exercised and practiced in order to become stronger, more confident and better at it. It is important to be conscious of your habits, and how they affect the people around you. Here are some negative behaviors to look out for in your own approach:

Being passive-aggressive as a means to hide how you really feel.

Maybe you respond to feeling hurt or snubbed with lots of snark. Perhaps you pout, make snide comments, go into a huff, respond to queries to your well-being with a pointed “I’m FINE.’ Your natural stance is to withdraw, either emotionally or physically, and sarcasm becomes your armor. This is an immature response writ large.

It is highly destructive in relationships of any kind to disguise covert anger in this way. Societal expectations consider anger as an emotion that should not be displayed, so the way in which it is expressed is intentionally masked. Passive aggression is the default for people trying to hide this natural human emotion, because it it easier and more ‘acceptable’ than being assertive.

If you feel angry and upset in a future situation, pay attention to your words and actions - are you using passive aggression? If so, note whether you are using this defensive strategy. Fortunately, if you acknowledge and notice that you are using this response, that is the first step towards being able to change it.

Think about the feelings you are experiencing, reasons for those feelings, and what the most mature and sensible response to the situation would be. Give yourself some time to cool down and take a step back to think - reacting heatedly and in a negative mindset never leads to anything worthwhile.

You may need to practice stating your boundaries more directly after you feel more at ease. An example would be:

"When x happened, I felt y.“

“I need x in the future for x reason."

“I would be interested to know how you think/feel about that.”

By acknowledging a situation or a behavior instead of going on the attack, pointing our character flaws or accusing the other person, you give space for dialog and solutions. By allowing for feedback, you create space and an environment for healthy conflict and problem-solving.

Guilt trips to get your own way.

Imagine the scenarios where you want to make plans with another person, but they cannot do it exactly when or how you’d like it. Do you play the guilt card? While guilt comes in many guises, using it to change an outcome is highly negative. It is manipulation when you use guilt as a way to get what you want.

As a result of your expectations and sense of entitlement, that feeling where someone owes you something, and if they don't provide what you expect, then you set out to make them feel bad about themselves.

How do we overcome this negative trait? It is important to not expect too much from others. Of course, it is important to set a bar for standards and having a level of respect for each other, we all have our own worth. However, it is not healthy to always expect that you are owed anything, and to go into every communication scenario expecting to ‘win’.

Apply the same requirements to yourself - do not try to guilt another person into doing something, nor do anything out of obligation. We all say that we act out of love, but are we honestly doing things out of PURE love, or do we mask our discontent? By refusing to unleash guilt trips or feel obliged, then we can lessen those feelings of resentment.

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If you begin practicing new ways of expressing your emotions, you'll notice that your relationships will improve, and your communication results will level up, and your own emotional tank will be a lot fuller as well!