COMMUNICATION FRIDAY: Silence is Golden

Depending on our personalities, a silence during a conversation can feel totally awkward. It can feel uncomfortable and we rush to fill the gap with words - any words, to disperse any perceived tension. 

It can be a cultural thing, too.  What someone with a particular cultural background considers a worrying pause, others see as a worthwhile opportunity for reflection and an indication that they respect what the last speaker has verbalised. Studies have shown that people from English-speaking countries start to feel uneasy when a silence approaches 4 seconds long. Compare this to studies of Japanese business meetings where people are happy with silences of 8.2 seconds - twice as long as most Americans. In Japan, silence is powerful and is encapsulated in the word ‘haragei’ or ‘belly talk’ - meaning that the best communication happens without words.
Moments of silence with a loved one aren’t always problematic, even if we worry that it might be tedious - some periods of silence should be comfortable, especially in long-term relationships.  

It is normal to want to keep the conversation going, and to stay curious about each other.  Instead of being scared of running out of things to say, it's important to embrace the still moments. This is not the same as never having anything to say and sitting stonily as a regular pattern. However, sharing moments of ‘just being’ is an important part of healthy relationships.

If you are naturally a nervous person, it can manifest itself in talking too much in stressful or unfamiliar situations (what I call the “I carried a watermelon” factor a la Dirty Dancing!) Generally, though, when we are at ease with others, there is a natural occasional lull because we take comfort in being in their company. Instead of filling those awkward gaps, we are happy to be ourselves. 

All being well, when you are hanging out with someone you like, you feel like you can actually relax. Not all communication needs to be driven and exciting, sometimes low-key is how you want it to be. 

What we are not talking about here is ‘the silent treatment’.  This usually eventuates from fights, resentments and is a negative and toxic form of punishment. Yes, it’s definitely ok to take a breather if things get too fraught, but disagreements and problem-solving require good communication - you need to be able to talk about things without shutting down and shutting the other person out.  If sullen behavior and shutting down are part of your personal communication arsenal, learning how to move beyond this will have a great positive impact on your relationships. Don’t let an argument turn into a stalemate.

Being still and appreciating silence as a part of communication doesn’t mean doing nothing. Maybe it can be an opportunity to share a hobby or to enjoy nature together. 

For all my fellow introverts, having times of shared stillness and silence isn’t just a pleasant thing, it is necessary. Spending time with extroverted others who love a chat is still fun, but we need our recharge time!  Respect and embrace each other’s needs for conversation and also for silence. Balance in communication, as in life, is the key. 

Be realistic. You’re going to have to spend one-on-one time with other people, and it’s impossible (and noisy) to fill every single moment with words. Silence is inevitable, and not something you should fear! 

Being quiet together doesn’t always mean you have nothing left to talk about - if you do feel that you have nothing to communicate, seek help. Of course, we enjoy those times of laughter, talking and activity - we need those opportunities to have something to talk about. Regardless, acknowledging that silence is also a fundamental part of communication is also valuable. Times of shared silence which aren’t born out of tension are an opportunity to be relaxed in each other’s presence.  When we are comfortable and find each other open and reliably responsive, those ‘happy pauses’ can also give us something more to talk about going forward. Savor silence as part of your communication process. Room to breathe, ponder, consider, appreciate and regroup. You wouldn’t chug a fine wine (at least, hopefully not!), so treat your conversations in the same way.