There are friends and ‘forever friends’. Those people you’ve known for ages, and have at one point or another shared a common bond. Is making friends a done deal? Does it mean you need to stay friends forever? What happens if things start to go awry? Can some friends actually be toxic, and what does that mean?

Currently, words like ‘toxic’ and ‘narcissistic’ seem to get bandied around social media - we are very quick to label others these days, and as a rule, society tends to be averse to real, deep connection and acceptance of the ups and downs of humanity.

It’s important to distinguish between unhealthy relationships and the signs someone is exhibiting toxic behavior, and those friends who are going through hard times and trauma that is making them not act like themselves. Be kind and respectful with friends who have been vulnerable. Perhaps the issue lies inside you, and your restlessness and boredom with the relationship is causing you to create drama as a roundabout way to end it.

If you feel your friendship is toxic - it might be worth seeing if it is a friendship or an unhealthy alliance.

Does your friend do any of the following:

take up a lot of your effort, energy and good nature, while not returning the same (again, there’s a difference between someone going through a hard time, and those people who are ‘energy vampires’ who perpetually take and never give). You feel constantly drained and unhappy after dealing with them.
always criticise and find fault with you, putting you down and laughing it off as ‘just having fun’.
show disrespect for your personal boundaries and overstep them all the time.
lie to you and not keep promises
make you feel on edge, that you can’t be your full self around them and have to maintain some kind of act. You become reluctant to be vulnerable and they can make you feel uncomfortable.

Examine why you became friends in the first place. Did you connect over shared values? Hobbies? Peer group? Was it a positive connection, or did you come together over something negative and hard to maintain, i.e. drinking and partying a lot, or a mutual dislike for another person/authority figure?

If you decide to end a friendship that isn’t toxic, but you feel has just run it’s course - please don’t ‘ghost’. Blocking someone out like this because the relationship doesn’t suit you is very unfair and lacks maturity. In doing so, you lose out - instead of learning more about yourself and how to handle things properly, you can carry your inability to set healthy boundaries into new situations, and repeat the same patterns of behavior.

If things aren’t ok in your friendships, take a breath, be courageous, and stop pretending things are fine. Handle the situation well - with clear communication and integrity.

Relationships are made up of two people. Take responsibility for any part you might have played in things going wrong. Don’t make it all about the other person, using your conversation solely to pick out all of their faults. Face up to any unrealistic expectations that you might have had for the friendship. Is the relationship still there because of guilt or reluctance to let go, even if it’s not working?

Life changes us, and we grow and change too. While some of us may have close, healthy bonds with certain people from childhood, it isn’t realistic to expect to have the same intensity of friendship with everyone that we connect with at one point or other, even those old friends. It’s ok to honestly admit that while it was fun for a while, it has run its course.

If you find yourself in a repeat pattern of making and losing friends, or caught in a cycle of negative and/or damaging friendships, please consider finding help from a counselor/therapist.