Some things that go hand in hand: peanut butter and jelly, milk and cookies, cheese and crackers…….perfectionism and poor self-esteem?

Perfectionists constantly judge themselves against a measuring stick of what they HAVEN’T done, instead of what they have achieved. Anything less than first place is considered a failure on their part. People who feel the drive to be constantly perfect are those who ‘should’ all over themselves - “I should do better”, “I should try harder”. Their language is full of what they need to improve, and what they will do differently next time. They can set unrealistic expectations for themselves, and because they cannot be met, will feel inadequate and a failure.

We all need to have healthy goals - but this isn’t the same as perfectionism. It’s good to grow and know yourself - this takes time and requires a person to be accepting and open to weakness. We all need to be ok with the things we cannot do.

When someone cannot accept weaknesses and failures in themselves (or others), self-esteem is destroyed, and the people around them find relationships hard.

Perfectionist people can also fall into a crippling pit of indecision. The fear of making a wrong choice can stop you making any choice at all, even for the smallest things. This can manifest itself as anxiety, making it even harder to express our needs and wants as our self-esteem gets chipped away. The more you feel you will fail in one thing, the more that sense of inadequacy will bleed into other areas. It is a vicious cycle of shame-failure-immobility.

A perfectionist can hide behind a mask, trying to hide vulnerability and shortcomings from those around them. Eventually this serves to block closeness and intimacy as the person seems ‘off-limits’ or fake, and ultimately lead to burn out. The pressure to be ‘up’ or ‘good’ all the time is impossible.

Society is full of ways to be better, to look better, to have more. To fight perfectionism, we need to remind ourselves that those voices are not real.

If you feel you may be a perfectionist, the last thing you should do is to feel critical about it - you have beaten yourself up enough! Try to work through why you feel that way and how irrational the drive to be perfect really is.

Relaxing your standards isn’t reducing yourself or slacking off. If your standards are unattainable then this is a fantasy - it is not a failure to bring yourself back into reality.

Be kind to yourself. Rediscover what is good about being human with all of our beautiful frailties and soft spots. Be open to how surrounding yourself with kindness and love brings vulnerability, and with it, people who accept you. We learn by our mistakes, those “beautiful oops”.

Acknowledge your little wins during the day, and accept yourself if those times where things haven’t gone as smoothly. When we stop focusing on what we cannot do, it redirects our energy into our good points.