All of us have reasoning for our reactions and actions - a ‘backstory’, so to speak. Things that have happened before that inform our lives now.

Often, people try to justify their behavior because of X, Y or Z as a way to take themselves off the hook for bad communication or treatment of others - of course, this backstory isn’t an excuse. Even though we all have one. However, understanding why people say and do what they do is always helpful to understand their motivations. No-one fully has all the details of our backstory at our fingertips, and neither do others know ours. We are complex, intricate beings, but others can quickly get the measure of us by what we allow them to see and hear.

There are always reasons for our feelings of anxiety, excitement, anger, confusion, motivation and cynicism, for example. Perhaps you carry the wounds from bad experiences into all future relationships. Maybe you’ve never been communicated to in a positive way, so you carry those negative words into your own communication. If you’ve never felt heard, there’s a fair chance you’ll be reluctant to hear others (or ironically, go the other direction and sacrifice your own wants and needs in order to make others feel valued).

Your loved ones and friends might have labels for you - ‘a worrier’, ‘a shouter’, ‘a doormat’, ‘someone with trust issues’, and it can be easy to justify this because they don’t really understand how HARD things have been for you - maybe if they had experienced the same, they may also “be like you”.

Understand that no person exists that hasn’t been shaped in some way by what they’ve gone through, whether positive or negative. The difference comes in our reaction and manner of communication because of them.

If someone responds angrily, or seems lost in thought, or disappoints you - remember there is always a reason.

Even if you are unable to bring about a change in their reactions, knowing the why might make you feel a bit more understanding and empathetic.

Even if you don’t agree with the reason and feel that their behavior toward you is unfair and unjust, trying to ‘get’ their backstory can lessen the sharp pain of the interaction and deal better with their negativity.

When we are prepared to understand, it can diffuse the other person’s defensive words.

Bad behavior isn’t excused, of course you shouldn’t treat others as a verbal and emotional punch bag, especially if your feelings have very little to do with them. Our anger, anxiety and stress is our own. However, it can and does happen. Trying to understand the why’s behind the actions are for your benefit and ability to cope when you are on the receiving end. It helps to understand the motivation of others for your benefit, not theirs.