PARENTING THURSDAY: You Gotta Be

I recently read a story about a cross-country race where Spanish athlete Iván Fernández Anaya was competing. He was in second place, quite some way behind the leader, Olympic medalist Abel Mutai. On the last stretch, Mutai was a clear winner - but then he misjudged the finish line, pulling up short. Soon, Fernández Anaya caught up with Mutai, and could’ve have easily claimed the win due to his competitor’s mistake. However, instead of snatching a victory, he guided the Kenyan to the line and let him cross first.

In a later interview, Fernández Anaya said that Mutai was the rightful winner, and without his mistake, he wouldn’t have caught up. He decided that he wouldn’t use the error to his advantage, saying: “What would be the merit of that victory? Where would the honor be in that medal? What would my Mom think of that?”

Values are transmitted from generation to generation - they do this by watching their parents and important elders act and interact with each other. Children are great filters and know the difference between being told what to do and seeing if it tallies up with what you actually do. This informs and undergirds their own value system as they grow.

Peer pressure also exerts an influence, however, research shows that your own relationships with your children hold a far stronger sway. Everything - from what they see and hear on tv, from their friends, their teachers - is filtered through their parent-child relationship. The stronger and healthier that relationship, the more likely the child will have better self-esteem and be able to negotiate through those peer pressures and external influences. 

Teaching values is a conscious choice we need to make, children won’t assume them by magic, so it is so important that the words we say agree with our actions. What we do in practice needs to be what we believe.

Children who have been raised empathically, are more likely to treat others kindly.

Words don’t mean a lot if we just recite them like some kind of values mantra. Make values relevant to your child and support them in making their own conscious decisions (rather than being told what to do).

Beware of the “do as I say, not as I do” form of parenting, and the temptation to justify your own white lies. 

We may say that we value teamwork, taking part and not cheating, but if the first question we ask is “who won?”  or pay a lower entrance fee, pretending our child is younger than they are, perhaps we don’t value those things as much as we claim to do. 

Empathy is the foundation of compassion, which is the foundation of values. Talk about your values and what they mean to you. Helping you child understand the world around them and how to play a part is a major parental responsibility. Explain why you make decisions based on what you value.  When you see your child acting on their held values, recognise it and identify it, for example: “I appreciated it when you brought me one of your chocolates while I was working. It was kind and generous.”

Don’t lecture. Oh this one is HARD. The glazed expression in my child’s eyes are a quick indicator that I’ve gone into nag mode. Not every moment is a teachable one, and let’s face it, teaching only has impact if the recipient is open to learn. Maybe ask questions to try to understand why your child is making those decisions. They will feel more connected if you listen to those answers rather than feeling like they are on the end of a long lecturing hairdryer!

Encourage the ideas your child might have to make the world a better place. Examine the message you are sending about money, status, fame and their appropriate place in a person’s life.

Like Fernández Anaya’s mom obviously did, model good fair play. Of course parents want their child to “do well”, but our own values reflect through what “doing well” means to us and subsequently to our children. Win at any cost, beat everyone to the top? Or showing integrity and honesty through the peaks and troughs of growing up? 

In our current climate of competition, extreme positions and “he/she who shouts louder wins” - can we still help our children grow into empathetic, integrious, self-aware humans?